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Herimone Granger

C.H.E.W. tearing down house elf boundaries
Ms. Hermione Granger, a fifth year Gyrffindor, already reports astounding breakthroughs with her new group, Committee to Help Elfish Workers (C.H.E.W.). "Several wizard families have told me they'll start paying some of their house elves," she said. "But there's still loads more work to do, especially with the more pureblood families who thrive on tradition." Granger declined to name names, but abruptly had an unexpected coughing fit after her statement. This reporter could definitely make out the words "Malfoy" and "Parkinson".

Last Friday's Quidditch game to be postponed
Due to an odd string of unauthorized time-traveling, last week's Quidditch game, which would've already occurred by now, has been postponed to tomorrow. Fifth year Draco Malfoy, the Slytherin team's Seeker, who broke his leg in the game, appears now to be perfectly fine and will compete in tomorrow's match against Ravenclaw.

Students find strange parallels in friend Potter
Ronald Weasley, the fifth in a long line of distinguished Gryffindor family pupils, has found a striking resemblence of his best friend Harry Potter on something Muggles call the Intern Net. According to data found on this eclectric newspaper system (the "Web", according to some Muggle-born Hogwarts students), Potter's life echoes that of a boy named Luke Skywalker, in several moo-vies named Star Wars.

Draco Malfoy

Slytherin student named to Ministry board
Choir member and Quidditch player Draco Malfoy has one more item to add to his resume: Student Liaison to the Interior Ministry of Education (S.L.I.M.E.). His duties include reporting the "pulse" of the student body at Hogwarts to the Ministry and making recommendations on student policy. "The first thing I'm going to recommend is kicking Potter off the Student Lunch Orders Board (S.L.O.B.)," he said. "Nobody likes his Muggle tendencies towards picking the food in our cafeteria, and I pledge to fill the lunchroom with the best wizard cuisine available."

Magical cheating tools added to list of banned items
Professor McGonagall announced today the addition of several items to Hogwarts' list of prohibited contraband: Slinky Stuart's Stammering Spell Stopper, which causes an opposing student to mumble the words to his spells, in order to win wizard duels; Kevin's Keen Quill Quenchers, which affords its users the ability to program prewritten streams into their quills to help answer test questions; and finally, Molly Migwind's Magical Moondust, which when sprinkled on a parchment, automatically corrects common spelling and grammatical errors. "Anyone found to be using these items will have 100 points taken from their House," warned McGonagall.

Harry Potter

Hogwarts' own Harry Potter to have wizard holiday
The Boy Who Lived - fifth year Gryffindor Harry Potter - is to have an international wizard holiday named after him, according to an internal Ministry of Magic memo acquired by the Daily Prophet. "In order to show our worldwide gratitude to Mr. Potter, and our heartfelt support of what must be daily hardships for this young man, it seems only right to proclaim a celebratory Harry Potter Day," reads the document. Rita Skeeter, the reporter for the Daily Prophet who obtained the memo, said, "This poor boy needs all the love we can give him. During our long and intimate interviews in his fourth year, he revealed how truly vulnerable he is."

HPANA celebrates April Fool's Day 2003
Surprise! To get to the real HPANA, just click here. Other sites having a little "fun" today: Fiction Alley (refresh to see random images), The Leaky Cauldron, The Sugar Quill, Chris Rankin's official site, Godric's Hollow, Wizard News (hilarious article at the top), Gryffindor Tower, and MuggleNet (look at the counter). Know of any more? Send to aprilfools@hpana.com.