Misuse of time-turner creates alternate universe
Thursday, April 1, 2004 Posted: 12:01 AM EST
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An unidentified personal time-turner, hung around the user's neck.
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HOGWARTS (PNN) -- Hermione Granger, a sixth year student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, turned the wizarding world upside down last week by creating an alternate reality where You-Know-Who never rose to power.
The young witch, who has consistently received top marks in her class, explained what happened: "It's quite embarrassing, really. Ron Weasley - he's a fellow Gryffindor - and I must have had a bit too much butterbeer when we visited Hogsmeade last weekend. The next thing I know, we're breaking into Professor McGonagall's office - honestly, I can't remember why - when Ron spots a Time-Turner on one of her shelves. He asked me how far back in time it could take us, so I picked it up and just started turning...and turning. Before I knew it, we had gone back over 50 years.
"We decided to explore the castle a bit, and before long came across none other than Tom Riddle himself - who, as everyone knows, grew up to become Voldemort - but at this time he was only a first year. Then Ron actually had an intelligent idea for a change, and after cornering Tom in a hallway and stunning him, I transfigured him into a sock puppet."
Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, explained further: "The results of Miss Granger's and Mr. Weasley's tinkering in the past are quite obvious: existing only as a sock puppet, Voldemort has never been able to rise to power and spread terror throughout the wizarding world, so all his misdeeds have now been undone." Dumbledore paused, then added, "Pity I didn't think of it sooner."
All of You-Know-Who's victims have been causing quite a stir by suddenly reappearing alive, including the parents of Harry Potter, the boy who lived. "It's been rather confusing," noted James Potter as he appeared along with his wife Lily and son Harry at a dinner in their honor. "First I'm dead for sixteen years, then it turns out I wasn't really dead after all. A bit strange, if you think about it."
Fears were raised when the You-Know-Who sock puppet was stolen two days ago from the Department of Mysteries, but Miss Granger explained there was no cause for alarm: "Not to worry, I placed a very powerful jinx on the sock puppet, in case anyone gets any ideas about transfiguring Voldemort back into human form."
Indeed, several suspected Death Eaters, including Azkaban Prison escapees Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix LeStrange, have recently been observed to have been afflicted with a series of close-set purple pustules spread across their nose and cheeks, forming a very rude word.
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